The Video Sampler

4.14.2006

Feel Worse

April 14, 2006 Friday 12:30 AM  Feel Worse

==== a poetic message i wrote to someone I care about
I see.
I can not do anything.
But if I could.
I'd do this.
One thing.

No matter how small.
No matter how large.
It's something.
And the fact that it is something.
Counts.
More than anything.

In those times when people need people
For we choose to walk alone in life.
Or we walk together.

With the understanding that it will not always be
that way.
Ever again.

With all the givens in the world.
I cast out one small deed
to
one
important
person
in my life.

I wish her
well.
In so many ways,

And I stand back and watch
as the shifting of entities
in this realm
play out
upon the waves of my life.

What will tomorrow bring?

If it's tears, so be it.
If it's challenge, so be it.
If I am struck down, so be it.
If I am destroyed by my hand or others, let it.
If I have one day left, live it.

If I can love and be loved,
do it.

I walk with a purpose
everyday.

One off those things is for my friend.
For every 3rd step is for her.

-chris


==================================================================
I think I meant 'in so many ways' as in she feels
she will never get better but I know what you don't realize
just just maybe... just maybe someday it can be fixed.
Someday. But that day will never come for some people if they
do not wake up to see it.


[in the lab next to Electronics]

why is it that I can not sit nor walk a few steps with out someone
trying to talk to me about some cause. First there was this fellow
with cloths that looked like they were from some thrift store trying
to get me to help him stop crooked police. He told me people
whom play instruments out in public are told to stop or face
consequences. Are there really rules there? Disturbing the peace?
Regardless, I did not offer the fellow much help nor did I continue
to play guitar out in front of the library.


When all else fails... just build hardware. Than when somehow
the rest of your machine works you can speed right through all
of the programming. With luck, the net speed with which you do
that will bring you back on track. ... with luck.

The hardware I currently speak of is the mic amplifier for which
I will hopefully be able to watch my guitar notes on it.
I want to measure all the frequencies and have a poster with them
all laid out over the neck... or fret board. I want to find middle C
so that I know where to play the scales to mimic the Nest Song.

As I played earlier on the guitar I thought abut placing more text
on the back that says "I only play my stuff" for when people
ask me if I play this or that. It's like, Why do they degrade my
playing only wanting 'real' guitar music rather than mine.
It's a bit insulting and I don't think they realize it.

I want to learn PIC chip programming as a 499.
I want to catch up. I understand what I want and I realize
there it is. Microcontrolled robotics are just [fingers closer together]
that much further away. So close. I could almost be there if I powered
through it.

I realize that I imagine how I will write the day down as I move
through it and by the time I am writing it's not the same as what
I was thinking. I just don't spend as much extra time trying to recapture
the feelings and moments.

Speaking of which I noted one day while walking to class...
that the journal is like life cut from the primary emotional attachment.
It's like laying out the day's to look at later but losing a lot of the
connection
to the feelings at the time. It's a clearer view of the events as they are
just that. Events. And reading back may or may not call back those
same emotional responses. it's strange to think the journal is more of
a gutted version of my life retold to people whom may or may not
care about the contents there in.


... ugh  note: Pepsi doesn't really agree with my stomach any more.
... ah dang. Must remember that.

5:01 PM
It's such a strong steady drizzle that I got soaked just by walking home in it.
None of the drops were that big but there were so many it was impossilbe to count
the number hitting my extened hand. I walked back with guitar in hand.
Having extra items with me during a day changes the dynamics and it forces me
to have to deal with those objects. It was hard to fumble about with the guitar
while buying food and walking with drink. And I didnt' bring out my umbrella
because I already had my guitar in hand.

Now I sit.. feeling tired and drained at my desk... I had recieved two messages
one from Nicole a person whom I have not heard from in a long long while.
Another from Sadie. Common fairly I no not what she wanted to ask.

As I left the eletronics lab Wes offers the next 3 possibliites for fixing my
poor A to D converter.
1 write another program like the first that writes the values to the memory
and step through memory to so what is really being passed to the converter.

2 If those are the correct numbers than something must be stopping the A to D
from converting sometimes while in run mode.

3 If both of those are not the problems than there is an outside chance
that Radio interfece caused by the wires on the board are messing with
signals... that's really not that likely I would hope because that would mean
that placing the chip on an external board should show some chance.

The issue is that the signal is so close to the correct shape but appears to have
some random noise that is cutting the data in and out.
Debugging such things means I really really have to learn what is going on.
Rather than build it really carefully and then you don't need to know how
the circuit is suppose to function.

... dang.... all this is a mess but least I made the microphone and amplif for it
and it worked well. I couldn't really use my guitar on it because all the people
were still there. But that was why I had it with me today.
The now wet piece of musical technology resides on my bed.

I have things to do but I feel so tired.

11:01 Pm
Man I feel bad.
I feel awful about not wanting to fly anymore.
I feel bad about not paying as much attention to Joy's call.
I feel bad about not doing as good a job with finances.

I'm just so sick and tired of travling. I'd rather
dig my heels in and stay for good somewhere.
I'm always sick and full of anxiety and I don't feel
like over coming that for anyone. I hate it all.
My mood seems to have crashed as the course of this day
has gone on. Reaching a low point that keeps getting
lower.
I still have to study for the tests now.
I almost feel like crying.

I wish I could convey to my family how much of an effort
it is to get through these college courses and be out
in a prompt fashion. It requires summer school everytime.

I wish they could settle for the fact we can now
Tele Conference. I wish I could pull myself together enough
so that I can explain all my concerns to them at once
in the form of some medium.

I decided to change the title of the day from Political Day
to Feel Worse. Because I seemed to have been feeling worse
as time progressed today.

I wish Joy was better. She sounded so sick and depressed.
I've been editing together more of a movie with clips of her
in it and nice music. Maybe I could come by and show it to her.
A visit my help her feel better.
You know what I notice? Even when it's a bad day. And I feel bad. There always seems to be images of smiling faces to place here. What is with that? I suppose me feeling horrible doesn't change the state of the world at large. When all else fails just build hardware. Then maybe just maybe other stuff will work and you can power through the rest of lab. A classic science vision of my voice being displayed on the O'Scope. I was chatting with one of the fellow computer builders before I was interupted with a video chat from family. They're all there alright. Even the dog.

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