The Video Sampler


I Don't Know How I Feel

July 10, 2006 Monday 9:58 PM I Don't Know How I Feel

Well it happens.
The 'we're just friends' talk is an inevitability.
Probably.... that is if your lucky enough to know someone responsible
enough to care about the feelings of others, it will come up.

And I'm amazed that the Sharon Scale makes it's first debut since
my specification of it as standard protocol for situations such
as these. I had a feeling that once I showed her that move it would
come up. It was like a nice 'bringer upper' I suppose.
I think it's safe to say I have ways of communicating and working
that are unlike many others. 
I'm envisioning the pointer zoom off onto the friends side leaving
the scale and bouncing off a wall. That's the visual I have.

I'm envisioning the pointer zoom off onto the friends side leaving the scale and bouncing off a wall.

Perhaps to disappear into some forest. I'd admit that I was curious how she felt, but I wasn't about to start believing she would like me in such a way. As is often or almost always the case. It causes me to pause. Pause, and reflex. Given that I've learned to not attach myself to things that strongly the pain isn't of what it would be had my feelings locked themselves down otherwise. But I can't help but to feel that nudge of tears. I can't help but to feel that little chip on the soul. The little dent in the ceramic. I'm not crying. But I'm registering similar feelings. Just not as intensely therefore I'm sad and probably will be a bit depressed for a bit but knowing this is sort of the standard way things go in my life I try my best to brush it off of my shoulders. I know that after a stimulus is register repeatedly in one's life you start to learn not to feel certain things. I can't but to think back to more tormented days when it always felt like I was forever to remain in this category. Though I know it's not true. Much of me still walks the old worn paths for they are the most trusted. Trusted not from choice perhaps... but by forces of habit on my side and the others. ... I hope it didn't look like I was putting up a front. It might have. I knew when it was brought up it was the outcome I expected. Not necessary what I wanted. But that's just it. I don't know what or how I feel about it because I worked a bit at preventing myself from believing it could be any other way. Was there a 'want' or more a curiosity. I'm not clear on the issue. ... "I'm not just trying to make you feel better" She spoke after claiming I was cute and funny and generally charming, but she was sort of seeing someone at the moment. I see. .... I think the night did have to stop after that. It was like.... kind of an end of the night sort of thing. So the total time was somewhere in the 90 minutes I suppose. Maybe. Of course the issue does not rest here... though I best be off to contemplate my feelings while playing guitar sadly or listening to music thinking about how my life and the world could have gone. The way I usually do of course. Lately though, I'm finding the real world is such a far cry from the way I would prefer it that I don't much care for walking out anymore.

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