The Video Sampler


A Strange Form of Suicide

July 12, 2006 Wednesday 11:32 AM A Strange Form of Suicide

It's a very interesting kind of suicide.
Not so much a suicide but a way of
transforming the brain. 

Things often sound crazy least they always
did to me until I started thinking about it

I sat in biology class pondering much more than
that which was being told to me.
I envisioned the protein strands the nucleotides
the careful dance of protein creation.
And I commented to myself by writing down
a thought that had occurred.

"Does life get more robotic OR Do robots get more life like?"

I was speaking about the this show of molecular machines dancing around before me. And then on up to every level of existence. Well than... these molecules do this and that and this gives structure and really I'm must absorbing building blocks... so I must be just an insanely complex mechanism. But not infinitely. Life is life but it's not un mechanized so I wondered about the differences between 'alive' matter and dead. And I note that part of the defining term of life is that it dies. Prevent Death and your not alive. Why should I have to die? I've often wriggled my face in disgust over the feeling that someday I 'have' to die and then I 'have' to go through the whole damn brain shut down phase that might include bright lights to reliving moments to 'who knows' what else. I know I only have to do it once but still dang I really don't care to find out. So why die? Because that's what everyone does? I've noted that there are people that say 'they'll never die' and the instantaneous thought of 'man that guess crazy' comes to mind. ... But if I'm merely a complex mechanism ... Than I'm not really 'alive' in the causal sense ... And so death isn't really the loss of life... it might be the loss of structure. In other words,

"If I'm not really 'alive' in the alive sense of the word than death is probably more like an option than a necessity"

So how do you fight death? And should you even try? I mean... if were to somehow succeed in abstracting the continuos conscienceness of 'me' into a vessel which remained active long after my body had dissolved more ideally been replaced with a different sort of motion mechanism. Couldn't that lead to a sort of nightmarish brain in a vat syndrome? I think a fate worse than death would be one in which your permanently stuck in your own dream world slowly going crazier and crazier as outputs become inputs and feedback destroys your consciences. Eww. That's scary. But still... could you transfer the 'conscious' you uninterrupted into the vessel? I speculated that if you replace your brain-cells a bit at a time over the course of decades you might not know anything is going on at all. That may be the best case scenario because it's highly likely that the substitution for the neuron isn't a perfect match and doesn't meet all the connections and responses it's suppose to. It would probably feel like dying from sort of mental disease. But if you could succeed in keeping that illusion of continuity long into the point where the entire brain is now made up of the substitute material... if you could do that than would you still feel like you were the same? Would you not realize that you had died? Would you feel like you were living on as a manifestation of your former bio self? I wonder whom the first person to find all that is. It would be an intriguing sort of suicide. You realize your going to die. You say... "hey I don't have to if..." Than you inject the nanoscopic machines into the brain and they slowly run their programs to replicate and replace the brain cells. Over the course of decades you feel different but not to different. And finally you realize one day that the you that was you no longer rests in fragile biological systems but is now interwoven into this new network that is immune to the death biology would allow. It would be a fantastic way to commit suicide seeing as how you initiated the steps to destroy your brain in hopes that this sort of destruction would bring about a new order. So you did 'kill' yourself but then again.. you're still here to talk about it. Funny, eh? 3:24 PM I guess when your sleep is deferred off till the afternoon you tend to dream more. - WWCS There was generally excitement. I had images of of Zach (my older brother) enjoying the benefits of the World wide Consortium Seattle. Seattle? Well, apparently there is this sort of club whom has lots and lots of money and when you graduate college they might accept you and grant you lots and lots of cash. That's why I was witnessing a flash back of Zach on spending sprees. I think there was a tinge of excitement that I might be choose next. Our family is apparently privileged in this regard. Maybe in reality I suppose I was trying to make sense of all the spending people are doing in real life. I don't see how much they really have so it's some what of a mystery that they afford themselves luxurious things. - Zach's TV Set Head Bizarre is it was Zach's head either 'was' a giant oversized working TV set or just an outer covering. I didn't decided it was just an outer covering until through most of the dream I guess. ? I have not the slightest idea why. Though I made a great gag in the dream. The family, including Hillery, were all hanging out in the living room back on Stratford. Zach reclined on the floor with an arm on the couch giant TV head starring toward me. An image of the colorful United States map and Zach walking superimposed on it. Bizarre. Really Bizarre I laughed in the dream and got my chair to sit in front of Zach's TV face. Laugher. It was like 'c'mon guys can't you see Zachs face is a TV set?' I'm pretending to watch him. Despite the fact he apparently doesn't have channel changing abilities. I predict that the laugh was contrived in the 'if I make a joke in a dream it's only natural that I dream people thought it was a good one' kind of way. That explains the laughter that followed. - Distance Location Mallish Running around a distinctly Mallish location was fun. I'd hold this balloon like thing the way you hold a floatation device while in the pool and it gives you enough lift to jump and coast about while still coming back to Earthly ground. I started out somewhere in the back stage sort of place. It was where the 'costumed mall entertainment' had their back stage. That explains the locked doors I kept finding. I was fascinated when I jumped through this large fantastic Egyptian tomb like room. There was a single black table in the middle and I knew it was for special reservations. People could arrange to have dinner there and get their own personal show in completely enclosed surroundings. It was a cool room. I bound out of there with my flying device and run down the halls of the Mall. The mall was a place I recognized from many previous dreams. I tend to have dreams with locations I remember. I nearly crashed into a costumed lady in an old fashioned purple dress. And kept on going. What fun it was. What fun. A reoccurring theme sometimes is trying to get away from a place but never really making it. As I awoke I continued to think about what I had just dreamt. Wondering about them. I haven't had dreams this regularly for so long. Considering I keep having to wake myself up at 7 after going to bed at 12 or 1 ish I should be continuing to have these. ... Looks like when movie production ends real thoughts return to the journal. ... interesting. 3:44 PM Perhaps, I should write entries that I would prefer to read. 11:07 A Warm Welcome Visiting Marion was fun. It was a nice place to visit. And the strong welcoming feel was a bit of a shock in a good sort of way. I'm glad I went. After that I decided to eat because I was very very hungry and I had a headache and so I parked my bike at D street said hi to Linda and Starfish and went out to dine. When I got back I hung around drinking my drink and talking. Again, fun. And so when I returned home I worked more on game programing and chatted on line for a bit. I started talking to someone I had not seen on line in a while. I note how fascinating it was that the use of myspace pages playing this role in IM services. It's much much more likely that the same sort of person talking there would have a page which you could easial call of pictures for. I think the system works well... And than my mind dashed off to giving a graphic tree visualization to the information in those sorts of pages. I'm gradually figuring out how to put the pieces of games together. As far as I can go before I start manipulating python scripts in them. But for tonight I feel the hand of exhaustion. The thing about that is it usually disappears if I don't just lay down and sleep right away. I have a feeling that the Bio test is a lot like chips test. If so I know how to study.

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