The Video Sampler

8.20.2006

The Last Day

August 20, 2006 Sunday 1:49 AM The Last Day
It's the last day before class begins well standard class
I should say. I've been in class for quite a while. 
I appreciated the distraction from my own inner world
yesterday. I spent quite a lot of time being distracted and having
fun and a social event. A social event I had fun at for once.
I enjoyed myself though I did spend a couple moments outside alone
pondering. I think my mind is very staticy right now. 

Should I be feeling something more? Best advice I recieved was just
to forget and get into something else. Dwelling isn't a good option.

I'm sure I'll be plenty distracted now that class has begun again.
Nothing to early in the day as well. I like that. It's much better for
my soul. 

Though... at social events I don't much care for the pop songs.
Seems like they all just potray sexual innudent and not much more.
Nothing really deep. Appeals to the lowest levels the human organism.
Figures why they happen to be so popular. 
Give me a break society. I'm a bit tired of such things.

Ever once in a while a song I would know woudl come on and I'd dance 
away. I cut loose mostly because people I know were about but then
some extra people I didn't know came and I still was dancing.
I think they got the impression that I'm a bit of a dancer.
I'm sure that will result in people saying 'yeah I know you your that
guy who danced at Ambers birthday party" 
Glad I made an impression in passing.

Starfish cares about me for some reason. She likes having me around
I never really knew. Didn't look like it. I've been hanging out at D street
so much that they miss me any night I'm not there.

All these events happened yesterday but due to it being Sunday 2:00 AM
I'm still writing about them. I used to with hold the temperal turn over
but now I just write and post on the actual time of writing not the day of.
I used to feel strongly about it I suppose. 

....
When I review my entries I note that a lot of stuff I glaze over anyway.
If I was to write to remember explict things what would that look like?

3:41 AM
It's funny that all summer I tell myself I'm going to work on this
one programming thing.. and then it gets to the last day and 'that's'
When I start to really work on it. Figures. Least I am making progress.
With luck my propensity to work in the 3D scripting envirnment will
go up.

4:50 PM
I rode my bike out to get food to bring home.
And I did the usual arms outstrecht to feel like I'm flying
thing while I went down my hill. I do that a lot now. I love
to feel the wind on my arms and listen to the flapping of my jacket.

I rode out slowly and noticed the temperature and the light.
The sun was being distilled throuhg clouds only enough to smear the
light more evenly across the sky. It was bright and warm but not
hot and the wind kept up the entire time I was out.

And it felt like it had a long time ago. Back when I rode my bike
out and about over my home town. And I wondered why. Why did it feel
so similar? 

And then toward the end of my execrison I realized that I was
feeling a bit hurt at the moment. A social sort of pain that I realized
was quite familar to the one I had felt so long ago. 
Could that be it?
Could it be that familar pain that I was noticing on a bike ride the way
I knew it before?
Could this be the reason I felt like I was somehow back there and then 
riding around on a sunny day perhaps to visit the ol' feild?

I know she said she wanted to be alone... but I realize she really meant
she wanted to be around others and not me for I heard of her trips
out with other friends. 
And the gash deepens in my mind. I see.

I can't call to leave a message because there isn't an answering machine.
I suppose that leaves e mail. I have to return a movie to her and 
I know she called one day but I never got a chance to return the message
because every time I would call no one would pick up or she would be
out.

And thats when you just stop.
It was fun to be distracted last night. Even now I've put more energies
into programming. Something I should have been doing the whole summer.
But learning is fast and rewarding I suppose and I'll take this remaining
time to figure things out.

7:20 PM

"I'd like to meet the writer of my life... I have a feeling he's a hilarious guy"

And suddenly I get a phone call from the D street people and they are at my door in a car ready to take me out to dinner with them. Despite having just eaten I oblige. And then it begins. Come to think of it nothing good every happens to me at Denny's The last time I was there someone insults me and I spend the dinner closed off. This time? Well, we're getting out of the car on this now cold and cloudy day and I'm making remarks about how it feels like we're in this coed movie about to enter some sort of drama where we can't get out and yatta yatta. Was it that far off? Strangely enough the first thing I see when I walk in is ... her .... hanging out with her friends and ex fiancee at a table not to far from the one we sit down at. My stomach turns. That was about to become pretty common in the next hour. I contemplate walking up and saying hi to everyone with the usual what-a-surprise- style I normally have when I see friends while out. But this time.... I didn't quite feel it. I couldn't quite muster the motivation and after I didn't I couldn't and so I sat. My blood began to churn to acid in my veins.. not strong acid .. just more acid that normally would have been there had I not been getting myself under a strain. I had to leave. Get out of there and walk. THe cold air felt better and the expansive parking lot made me feel more free. Though my mind was locked up. I don't think Houdini himself could have gotten out of that train of thought. I was writing out the story of what was happening in my life. I could see it unfold so much clearer from this vantage point. People might say I dwell to much on things. But when they are of this caliber I do not run from thoughts of such things. I choose to embrace them. For I know what comes of the struggle of life. If you think about a cut on your finger it hurts more, but if you forget you forget the cut. It's not so for me. I'd be prepared to embrace the injury and learn how not to get into it again. And so I was there. In this vast bleak parking lot of life walking around and trying to sample my thoughts and place them in a bucket for later analysis. I really didn't feel I could go back inside. I imagined a movie where the fellow was in my position and I'd have him go on this little adventure while out and he'd be talking to people and things would happen and he would see his whole life in a new perspective. That wasn't me though. No I was the real guy just wondering about trying to see through foggy eyes. No big adventure just a quiet torment.. generated mostly by my own mind. And I know this. But rather than run I observe. Why do I think this way? What is really going on? Did she...? I concentrate for a time because life will return to normal. I know this. But it's what I take away from a situation that stays with me. And I'd choose to place this marble of mental clouding up there on the shelf so that I may watch it later.... perhaps citing it as a source for why I don't do certain things... less certain things happen to me. And the movie ends. The character probably does some thing much more dramatic. Perhaps stands up and says things... The real guy? Quietly leaves with a jungle of thoughts to be lost in. .... 7:38 PM All this happens on the last day of summer. Fitting. 11:13 PM

"There is always a last day before a first day"

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