The Video Sampler

9.16.2006

The Tasks Towards Victory

September 16, 2006 Saturday The Tasks Towards Victory
It feels like I've been writing all day.
And I just want to stop. Because after a while the 
words start to blend together and it's hard to stare
at the screen. My eyes just lock up and it feels like
I'm dying. ...
If you must know, I spent basically the whole day 
writing a research paper. One of several that are due every
2 weeks, and it's not funny. Literally hours of work on each on
and there's not much to show for it. 

With all that's happened I'm just not the same as I once was.
I guess half of that is for the best. For now I really can 
focus on working on things. The people aspect of life fades
ever more the more and more I get into what's required of me.
I can see now just how much of a distraction it all was.

It's not that I didn't ride my bike out and enjoy the sunset.
I made time for that in between writing and quoting sources.
it's not that I didn't spend some of the time watching a movie.
it's just that overwhelming feeling of .. 'argh I have to spend
hours on this paper' well it gets to me sometimes.

I noted a question I asked myself a long time ago, 
"How much time do I have to spend doing what I need to be doing
in order to succeed?" I was referring to the whole goal contract
deal and my lack of effort each day towards the goals. Though
that's not entirely true. 
I realize.... if I didn't know how much time to spend I'd have
to be safe and spend it all on the tasks towards victory.
That was quite hard when I had this drive to actually get out
and hang out with people.
Lucky or not That part of me has died off. A little or a lot.
I'm just generally wary about people now.
For the moment, I'm a lot more untrusting in general.
This wipes the smile off my face and causes me to question
the  smiles of others.
least at some points you wonder whether someone is genuinely
smiling or... just being polite to someone they dislike.
...
It's possible.

But regardless of the whole people issue.
I'm finally doing what I should have done a long time ago.
My work... well not quite yet. i have to do all the academic
stuff .. and then I'll do my stuff...
If I can do that for just a day here and there....
and then a day more and so forth..
I'll get to where I want to be...
there isn't any other option as far as I'm concerned.

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