The Video Sampler

10.30.2007

Crying over the Keyboard.

October 30, 2007 Tuesday Crying over the Keyboard.

The Long Sigh
How fitting that for Halloween I would deal with the scariest thing.

There are so many media channels for which to use today. People always have a bias towards in person talking. Even when I feel I can better express my perspective in other ways.

Tapes always have 2 sides. ... but really they don't. Topographically speaking there is only one side to a piece of paper... the outside.

I'm afraid to talk to those whom have seen so vividly the other side of a conflict for I am afraid that they may never understand.

And so I have tendency to cast out something to explain my side before a discussion with those people.. should I manage to work up the nerve to reach out and explain before my personality is skewed so far that I can barely glance at anyone who walks by.

The story is a long and complex one. But the parts that concern the recent actions are merely the tip of the iceberg.

The day I broke up with her was not on her birthday.
It was the same day she decided to go to the 5th floor of the tallest building in Humobldt County and sit un top of the railing.

I had found her there by chance for I was hurting quite a bit as well. And I liked nice views when I feel pain inside.

I turned and gasped at seeing her there. And thought.... I can't let her do anything. So I stayed there holding her rather than tending to classes. She told me to go but I knew what was more important.

The worst part of it all is that it is a horrible reason to breakup.. to have to break up. To say that I've spent so long with her crying in my arms and telling me she doesn't want to exist have taken their toll on my consciousness. It begins to make me question myself.

And she feels so alone for everyone she every lets in she finds they can't handle it and they leave her. What motivation does she have to keep living?
There are no easy answers.

But on that balcony when I held her tried heavy crying body...
I felt trapped.
I want her to be safe... I'm happy when I feel she is safe.

And so I could not leave her. Instead, I walked her step by step... down the stairs of HSU until she collapses in front of the pick up drop of point near the library. She laid there while I biked home to bring the car back and take her home.

And when I finally went home I could only lay listless in bed thinking about my best friend and wishing that she could actually be okay without me.. but being terrified that that wasn't the case.
.... I called later that evening and picked her up.

When she was over that night we were both missing each other. And both crying.. for breaking up was not what we really wanted. I wanted my first real love to be someone whom could walk with me through life... but I found it increasingly difficult despite anything I did to manage to walk with her.

And so we made up a bit while I felt I had no other options. She must have seen the warning signs but chose not to believe them. The way I would talk somberly. The moments when my gaze would move off into the distance.

She had told me about how important her birthday was.
And I said I would take her to dinner. And I spent the whole week prior making a movie with happy moments of us together. I thought that all the hours I spent on that would give her something to watch when I couldn't be around.

Apparently, I was wrong for it didn't matter at all. All those hours I spent putting together a montage of us being together to show she had someone were wasted in a moment when I split secondly decided to stay elsewhere.

Don't you see? I knew I had made the mistake to stay away and I felt it in my soul. I felt the worst. But nothing would ever have gotten through to her. None of my words would ever have told her and had her believe me. That I felt responisble for her because she only hung out with me, and let me in on her wishes in non existance.

The truth is I didn't break up with her on her birthday. I broke up with her weeks before. But she realize till then.

It it might have been the worst way for things to turn out but I'm sure at some point something like this was going to happen. After I had made my mistake I was to afraid to go and find what I knew I would find.

It had already been so long because she also tell sme she wants me to be happy. She tells me to do what makes me happy. But I know its one thing that she says that and another to see her try to say it through teary eyes.

The hours dragged on while I tried to distract myself.. but in the end I had to go home.

In which after I arrived before I had even walked into my door she pulls up. Yelling and crying in her car forcefully handing me a stuffed toy I won her at the county fair months ago.

I knew she couldn't be alone tonight. So I begged her to come in and stay. I told her I understand that she thinks I'm a jerk and I don't deny anything but I pleaded that she not go.

So hours went by with her yelling but I held her in my arms despite the fact. Despite the fact it hurt so much. I told her she could be in my arms when she needed them. Whether be it upset, or happy, or sad. They were there to hold her.

At this point I had been up for nearly 24 hours. And she could see I was exhausted. I knew that if I fell asleep she would leave. She told me so. So I fought to stay awake. I knew, that if I had to, I would stay up all night for her to make sure she would be here. To make sure she would be alive.

When Monday came I decided not to go to class. Because I knew she wouldn't be out of bed. Instead I called her and went out to do errands. And asked if I could bring her food. I know she doesn't eat when she gets like this. So my mission was to bring food and cheer her up enough so that she would eat. And for a while that day we were both happy but soon when she knew I would have to leave she began to cry once more.

I know it looked cold. It felt cold. I could not wait any longer to leave that day for I can not always wait for to be on a temporary up swing before I must return to my responsibilities.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And I walked to the front door then stopped upon hearing her crys growing louder. And my face writhed into the biggest frown I had ever had. And after the longest pause I pushed through the door and left.

After I had driven to the grocery store parking lot. I got a call from her. She sounded more together but terrifed for she thought I was going to leave her life. I told her that I was still in her life. And she tells me she has seen it all before. People say they will be in her life and then leave. But I never make such statements for I told her that, "I am in her life right now." And to not worry about that for now. I would never say something I could not stand behind.

I told her a long time ago. I told her the first time we really spoke. I said I'd be what ever you needed me to be. And a boyfriend is what she wants me to be.
But a life line is what she needs me to be.
And so far I believe I have kept my word through all the years I have known her. All the years I held her when she cried.

I do not know what the future is and I will not agree to anything that I am unsure that I can come through with. Which means that anything I do say I know I can stand behind.

So all I can say right is a reassurance that, "I AM in your life!" I haven't left. So please keep living so I can keep seeing your smile.
The world needs it as I am sure so many other whom love you need it.

.... but here is where the story become interactive.
For those whom read my perspective have a choice.
I'm hoping that by this point they do not feel taking sides is any solution at all. I would hope that they would work with me to provide a larger support network for my best friend in the world.
The only one whom can start a sentence and have me finish it.

I want anyone to see her walking down the hall to give her a hug for simply getting out of bed is the greastest struggle ever for her. And she is trying so hard to stay with us all the least any of us could do is put aside some time to give her the hugs she needs to live through the day.

For it is breaking my heart to know that I can not be the one to single handedly keep her with us.
So please for the love of god.

As a guy whom is typing this from his soul and is now crying over the keyboard.

Please for the love of God help her! And help me.
Because I love her so much and I always want to know she is in someones life. And let her know that I still want her to be in mine too. Even if I have failed her so much. I don't want my failure to be a reason for her to leave this world.

......

And now I will have to go to school before anyone has ever read this and take those looks from those whom do not know my perspective. And though I am afraid they will be accusing me of ruining her birthday I hope they will read this later and realize the full complexity of the story before they decide never to talk to me again.


Very Sincerely,

Chris B. Stones


I've been real afraid this October.

1 comment:

Keith said...

Chris,

I wasn't sure if you got my email so I was going to try and contact you here and just saw your message. We REALLY need to talk.... I'm here to help, not hurt so call me as soon as you get this.

If you don't have my number, email me and I'll get it to you. Don't be afraid.

Keith

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