The Video Sampler

11.18.2007

Being Responsible

November 18, 2007 Sunday Being Responsible

I'm sure she is fairly angry with me. I suppose that's a standard human trait. And I have a feeling she wasn't letting on to it when she left. And so I feel bad having had to do what I did. Knowing how things hurt others but feeling that to say nothing is far worse.

I know this because for my entire life I have always been 'just the friend'. Did I ever think then when given the choice I would opt to be just friends? With everyone? Have my few experiences so far lead me to believe that 'just friends' is where I always was and shall always be? Have I decided that being unattached is more important then gaining from social experience?

I believe I can understand why a lot of social things happen the way they do. I think I can understand now why Vi waited so long to tell me straight out. I had always hoped until that one day when she did. And then it was a like a sledge hammer to my heart. ... I thought I was a fellow whom didn't hurt people.

And all I can think now is how bad I feel. .... Though I swear I did the right thing. Because not talking is never the answer. Because I've heard too many stories where people change behavior hoping that the other person will 'get it' But it doesn't change the guilt I feel now.

The right thing isn't easy to do, nor does it change the way I feel right now. I feel sad, hollow, guilty and remorseful that things happen the way that they do.



If only I was always just the friend and no one cared to have me as anything more... ... well back then things were much much more simple.

Now it just hurts to think about it.
Even more so to long for it.



2 comments:

Viannah said...

You're a really good guy, Chris. I just wanted to tell you that. I know doing the right thing is really hard sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't SEEM like the right thing because it hurts so much when you do it.

Thanks for being my friend.

Sirhc Senots said...

Vi I'm sure we will certainly hang in the future.

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